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Birds are often associated with a sense of peacefulness; they are
the first thing you hear on a sunny day when you wake up in the
morning, or when you go for a pleasant stroll through the park. But
they can also be cruel, hellbent bastards, leaving a careless path of
death and destruction in their wake. While they may be capable of all
kinds of monstrosities, they are a sort of affirmation that we do live
in a world that has a tendency to chew you up and spit you out in the
game of good, Darwinian sport. Here are ten birds you’re better off
avoiding.
10
Seagull
You might think that the worst a seagull could do is fly away with
you lunch, or crap on your parade, but these beach dwellers have a dark
side lurking just beneath their feathers. And you will see it if you
stumble upon their nest. Seagulls, if they feel their chicks are in any
way being endangered, will strike with a vengeance and peck your brains
out (or do the next best thing anyway).
9
Velociraptor
Yes, they are long past existing, along with the rest of the
dinosaurs. But it’s worth clarifying that – contrary to Jurassic
Park-fueled popular belief – velociraptors were in fact
feathered-and-taloned birds and not the scaly overgrown lizards you
might have thought they were. That being said, they were were more
fierce than any existing bird we have today. They were incredibly
smart, hunted in packs (according to one theory), and had stiletto-sharp
talons that could easily slash the throats of their prey (which were
usually dinosaurs, not so much field mice and fish).
8
Falcon
A so-called bird of prey, these birds’ jobs are to pounce on small
rodents and fish and pierce their flesh via incredibly sharp talons.
(They can also tear into spinal cords with their uniquely-shaped beaks.)
They are hunting machines, equipped with traits that aid in their
self-sustenance, like feathery Swiss Army knives. While they can be
trained to hunt in favor of humans (“falconry”), they still possess the
potential to inflict serious harm, even at a young age.
7
Blue-Capped Ifrita
While this bird eats nothing bigger than an insect, it is armed with
an acquired self-defense mechanism that keeps it from being messed with
in any serious way. Dieting on a certain type of beetle that produces
batrachotoxins similar to the poison dart frog, handling the bird with
bare hands can result in numbness and toxins. Who would’ve thought such
a pretty bird could be so hazardous to your health?
6
Little Shrikethrush
This bird, like the former, is armed with the same lethal toxin
common amongst Poison Dart Frogs. The Little Shrikethrush can be found
in tropical and sub-tropical forests of Indonesia, Australia, and Papua
New Guinea. The bird is olive colored and often well-camouflaged in the
trees, but it does emit a particular musical sound, which makes it like
a Siren of sorts, although not so carnage-intent.
5
Pitohui
This was the first of the three known toxic birds to be discovered to
carry a lethal poison within its skin and feathers. Papua New Guineans
call the bird a “rubbish bird” as it is inedible. Almost. If
desperation strikes (as if there was nothing else in the vicinity that
could be eaten), the bird could be eaten if the feathers and skin were
removed and the skin roasted in charcoal. But your best bet is to just
make a note in your bird-watcher’s field guide that this animal is off
limits for snacking.
4
Eagle
The danger of this bird lies in its potential for harm. It sports
the kind of beak and talons and eyesight that make it such a vicious
predator in the wild. It can fly and carry four-pound objects. And it
is voracious enough to eat a pound of fish in four minutes. These birds
are master huntsman and potent symbol of power, so much so that it
serves as the coat of arms and official seal of countless nations (U.S.
included).
3
Vulture
These Jim Hensonian birds are as ugly as they are sinister. Often
equated to a grim reaper-type presence, looming over corpses and taking
advantage of untimely deaths, they are largely scavengers, picking apart
the flesh of the dead and decaying, although they can speed up the
process of one already en route to their final destination. They are
equipped with exceptionally acidic stomachs that can endure kinds of
bacteria, viruses, and anthrax which most other living creatures can’t
(also, their urine is a powerful anti-bacterial which can kill any of
the kinds of unsanitary filth they regularly trudge through).
2
Ostrich
These birds are the biggest birds in the world – they can reach
heights of 9 feet and weights up to 350 pounds – and are kind of
unpredictable. They can run at speeds of 30 MPH for up to 10 miles
straight, and have legs that can kick a hyena to its death. Not only
that, but it also has sharp claws. If it weren’t for their goofy faces
and sheepish tendencies (the whole putting their heads in holes in the
ground thing), you’d swear these things were just oblong monsters.
1
Cassowary
This bird is considered to be the most dangerous bird in the world,
with a criminal record deserving (in the human kingdom anyway) of
outright capital punishment. Common to New Guinea (do not go there for
the birds!), this bird has a 5 inch-long dagger-like claw attached to
its second claw that can kill a man (and has before!). Their legs are
ridiculously powerful, can kick humans (and dogs) with violent force,
and can run at speeds up to 31 MPH. During WWII, American and
Australian troops in New Guinea were warned to steer clear of them. So
then should you, unarmed and un-armored.
